A part of me still doesn’t believe in friendship
A part of me still believes I don’t deserve friendship.
So, I drop people like clouds drop rain
I never reach out
Like a weak WiFi signal.
But you’re out of range, so it doesn’t matter.
I don’t keep in touch, as if my phone had a shattered screen
And when somebody checks up on me
I get suspicious, and ask them why…
Okay, BOOM! Junior year of high school (2014). I got hit by a car. Woke up thinking I had just woken up from sleep and that I was late to school. (Close, but not quite). Found out I did wake up late for school. To be more precise, 11 days late. I had fallen into an 11-day coma from the car accident.
My life changed. My friends distanced themselves. I grew bitter. Dealing with all the internal (emotional, intellectual) changes and rollercoaster, I grew more bitter. I felt lonely. So I grew even more bitter. I started distancing myself from everyone. Realized that people didn’t really notice. They had their own things to deal with, so why should they care about me? If “no one cared about me”, why should I care about myself? I grew more bitter. Became dangerously suicidal. This world (assuming there are others) is an ugly place. My view towards the world changed drastically (positively and negatively). I had to survive. I embraced the loneliness.
This story hasn’t ended yet. Nor has it changed a lot. Although, I have met some people who are near and dear to my heart. Who I can reach out to.
Solitude is a dangerous ass thing y’all. There are unending quotes, and I’ve seen so many people advocate on how important it is to be able to remain in a lonely state. That’s true. But loneliness mixing with the wrong thing is dangerous af. Pay attention to your friends. Don’t just be like “hey, how are you?” and proceed with your life when they say all is alright! (Of course all is alright! Why would I tell you what I’m going through?? I don’t even know what I’m going through! So why be a burden). So in addition to asking, pay attention to them–what they do, any slight changes. Don’t lose a good friend emotionally or physically because you didn’t invest in paying attention to them.